This past summer I was told by a black-Audi-driving dad that his son would carry my suitcase and bag.
He followed this up with the quip: that’s what boys are for. I smiled and reluctantly handed my things over. You see in my family, I was taught not to pack more than you can carry. I was also taught: when in Rome, do as the Romans do (which is a pretty good rule of thumb when it comes to living abroad).
I have to admit, it was nice not to carry my bags but I felt a little bad about it.
I later spent some time thinking about the whole situation. We’d just driven from Sofia to summer camp. We’d spent the whole four hour trip wizzing by slower cars, passing them seemingly whenever we felt like it and then zipping back into our lane to avoid on coming traffic and now the son was shlepping my bags around.
And for a moment, I wondered how did I end up here? A place where men drive fast and boys carry bags. And seemingly nobody thinks twice about it.
Cut to this week where I’ve found myself thinking about, reading about and discussing masculinity and femininity in Bulgaria once again.
Here’s what happened. First, based on a novel we’ve been reading I asked my students to write recently on the question: What does it mean to be masculine in Bulgarian culture? And feminine? Then for the last week (or so) I’ve been staring at this crazy billboard for Happy Restaurant as I wait to cross the street to go to school each day. Finally, I was asked in an interview for Trud a Bulgarian newspaper the question: what do you think about Bulgarian men?
At School
My students had a lot to say about this topic. In my own words, here are the highlights. Bulgarian men are expected to be strong (it’s okay to take supplements to achieve this), to make money (ideally a lot of it), and to be the head of their family (and as such to make decisions for his family). Bulgarian women on the other hand should be pretty, nice and raise children. None of this really surprised me because really these are the traditional gender expectations for much of the world.
What surprised me was the way without prompting most of my students connected their examples of what it means to masculine in Bulgaria to Bulgarian history explaining that, these pressures to be strong and to take care of one’s family grow directly out of the five centuries of the Ottoman occupation of Bulgaria.
Then I read a lot about how these ideas of masculinity and femininity appear in the lives of my students. Boys included the need to be fit and to play sports as well as the need to occasionally physically defend the school’s name by throwing punches while girls discussed the difficulty of of balancing school and their parents expectations. For example, completing their school work while also cleaning their rooms and learning to cook while their bothers watch tv or play video games.
The Billboard
Then the day I finished reading my students’ writing, I saw this billboard in Mladost. Ug. It’s everything I hate about gender stereotyping but at the same time, I think it’s uniquely Bulgarian.
Happy Restaurant Billboard in Mladost
He’s got a giant piece of meat on his fork and is actively eating it while she’s demurely cutting her food. He’s got a spread of food in front of him while she seems to have much less. He’s got his elbows out and in her space while her arms are more or less tucked in making space for him. He’s enjoying the food eyes closed or nearly so but she’s aware of the fact that she’s being watched and is looking directly at the camera.
The Bulgarian take on this whole thing seems to be the man’s flowered shirt which is reminiscent of the embroidered shirts men wear as part of the Bulgarian national costume. It’s also worth noting that in the V of the shirt’s neckline he is also wearing a necklace–a pendant of some sort. Both the necklace and the neckline of the shirt highlight the man’s broad chest.
Then there’s their hair. She’s pretty clearly a fake blond with her hair pretty simply pulled back in a rather unflattering ponytail while he’s got a big blond highlighted patch on one side of his head and a lot of work went into his spiky hairdo. They seem to be caricatures of themselves and I guess by extension caricatures of all Bulgarians.
The Interview
Finally there was the interview I had for the newspaper Trud. The husband of my Bulgarian tutor I. writes for the newspaper Trud and he asked to interview me for a spotlight in the newspaper. I agreed. Who am I to say no to the husband of my Bulgarian tutor? And as he put it, I’ve said yes to everyone else and I don’t even know them. Good point.
He showed up to school one afternoon last week for the interview. It was crazy afternoon. I was suffering from a cold, I had a group of students meeting in my classroom, I had students who wanted me to look over drafts of their papers and I hadn’t had a minute all day to think about the interview. All things considered, that’s probably okay.
So I was asked a bunch of standard you’re a foreigner in Bulgaria questions. Then came the question, what do you think about Bulgarian men? I just looked at J. and laughed. I told him in Bulgarian: I don’t know.
He told me that I. (my Bulgarian tutor) told him to ask me this question. Thanks, I. Then I answered the question.
Basically, I said this: I work with lots of teenage boys and they are quick to laugh and to joke around but the Bulgarian men I know who are my age are much more serious and less quick to laugh and joke around (which I think is sad). Then I talked for a little bit about the way Bulgarian men are quick to offer to carry things for you which in my mind is gentlemanly (but complicated).
That’s the thing masculinity is complicated. Now I am pretty sure that J. wasn’t looking for an answer from me about socio-cultural implications of masculinity in Bulgaria. I think that he was more interested in my experience dating Bulgarians but I wasn’t really prepared to share any of these stories in a widely read national newspaper.
This is probably because I’ve found Bulgarian men frustratingly difficult to figure out. It boils down to this: I can’t tell if you’re just being nice to me or if you’re flirting with me. So generally I decide it’s safer to assume the first and proceed as such.
So there you have it a wholly unscientific glimpse into masculinity and femininity in Bulgaria and my thoughts on the subject.
Just for the record – these two on the billboard are popular Bulgarian actors/singers who participate in different TV shows mostly parodies mocking other shows or the Bulgarian way of life as a whole
@Ivet Ah! So the overly campy feel of the whole thing is potentially there on purpose!! That’s good to know. It make the billboard a little less creepy at at 7am.
They are probably unsure about the American rules of engagement and playing it safe.
@jack doe then I guess there are a lot of us playing it safe.
Your Bulgarian tutor is trying to tell you something?
Basically, I said this: I work with lots of teenage boys and they are quick to laugh and to joke around but the Bulgarian men I know who are my age are much more serious and less quick to laugh and joke around (which I think is sad).
Уффф, мога да го обясня, но … много пиене ще трябва…
“2. Какво си мислят шофьорите, когато намаляват на пешеходна пътека, за да ме оставят да пресека? Струва ми се, че повечето дават газ, щом ме видят. Понякога не мога да не се зачудя дали тези възпитани шофьори изобщо знаят “правилата” тук.”
Ела на гости в Турция (в провинцията съм) и … българските шофьори ще ти заприличат на австрийци
The people on the billboard are from a popular Bulgarian TV fictional series about local elites in fictional Pernik. It is a satire of the political class, the showbiz, the media, the charity in modern Bulgaria (esp. in small cities), as they are done by local „aristocrats“. The series is too stupid for my taste, but the characters’ wardrobe is believable.
Just make sure you’re students are making the distinction between what is masculine and what it is to be a man, as these diverge. Masculinity is more often linked with big lumpy oafs, stubble and expensive car are optional. And I wouldn’t consider anyone a man, if he can’t cook or wash a couple of dishes, no matter how masculine.
I also think when they say the should be strong, they mean having big muscles to flex to their mates or supposedly impress girls (and muscle size and strength are not a 1:1 correlation). And while some supplements (fish oil, etc…) are all right, others are not.
That dad, with the suitcase-carrying son, I think he’s trying to teach his son manners. Holding the door open, offering the lady they’re with a hand when getting off the bus/tram/car…
@Bobby I condensed my discussion of masculinity and femininity for the sake of a blog post. I’d agree with your statement about men and washing dishes/cooking.
Karolinka,
If you want to understand other cultures, you have to approach them with an open mind. That includes men. And women. Do not compare what you see to what you are used to – that will only make it more complicated or even impossible to figure out. In other words – “When in Rome …”
You were very gentle and polite
Many of the local women aren’t very happy with the gender expectations. I think women, at least in Bulgaria, adapt faster to modern world changes, and fast-paced life in general, which is a double-edge sword. They are expected to handle way too much – career, domestic life, childcare, ridiculous standards of beauty, you name it. On top of it they are not to compete too much with the boys. What I mean is that a woman is expected to contribute to the household budget, but if possible, not earn more than her husband, cos it’s gonna hurt his fragile ego, you know. At the same time, despite handling her job responsibilities, she’s the one to pick up the kids from school, help them with homework, cook every night, clean and do the dishes, while her husband watches TV. Even if she’s a surgeon, a banker, or a CEO, heck, even if she’s the only breadwinner in the family, she’s the one to keep the house sparkling clean and the kids well fed. And still look youthful and sexy, of course. When young women marry guys from, say the US, Germany, or Sweden, you can often hear young Bulgarian men labeling those girls as devious sluts who only marry a foreigner for the money or citizenship. What they don’t get at all is that those women fell in love with someone who treats them as equal and doesn’t consider washing his dirty socks himself a task denigrating his manliness. Of course, many young people don’t stick to that norm, but still receive veeery mixed messages. Not that men have it easy. Ask a young dad who wants a day off to take his kid to a doctor’s appointment. Or, heaven forbid, use his paternity leave (guaranteed by law). Or any man who simply refuses to act like a Neanderthal macho.
For the first time did I realize there are no gentlemen in the US
Do they really not help women carry their luggage? I can’t believe that. I do believe in equality but no matter how equal we are men will be stronger than women so it’s ridiculous to let a woman carry something heavy when a man can help. And do men not open the door for ladies in the US? Almost all my friends and collegues keep the rule ladies first and I find this nice.
@Rumi Well of course the problem is that American guys have to deal with independently minded American girls. Girls who have been taught that we can do anything just as well as they can–like open doors and carry our own luggage. So guys don’t know what to do.
Caroline, your blog post made me pay closer attention to similar news. Just read about the results of a survey conducted among Bulgarian teenage boys and girls. They were asked to describe their ideal partner. 70 % of the girls said they’d like their partner to be understanding, supportive, and treat women with respect. Above 50 % of the boys said they’d want their partner to be charming, smart, assertive and career oriented. Very different from their grandparents’ and even parents’ generations. And definitely not what the media usually make young people out to be, of course
Unfortunately, there was a note that according to some of the people who conducted the survey many Bulgarian girls turn into timid and passive women who are not used to fight for their rights and stand their ground firmly.
ol, I think that a truely supportive man who treats women with respect will never let a lady carry her heavy bag
When it comes to muscles equality is just not possible. I honestly think equality between sexes was possible when physical labour was no longer the main way to support a family. Because women cannot work in mines for instance. I personally think America has gone too far when it comes to equality between sexes – after all some natural laws cannot be changed on request. And I know many men who do help at home and at the same time carry ladies’ bags
Historically, there were women and even children who worked in mines, you know. Lots of them. And out in the fields, too. But I digress. Equality is not about being 100% identical. It’s about being able to enjoy the same freedom and responsibility as everyone else. It’s about the pursuit of your own happiness. Does it mean every woman has to become a heavy weightlifter? Of course not. But if there is a woman who wants to be that and nothing else, no one should stop her. Same applies to men, of course. It’s funny how you think America has gone too far, there isn’t a single country on the Earth where men are discriminated against more than women are. You actually tickled my curiosity, why do you think it’s too far? I am genuinely interested, it’s good to hear different points of view. As long as we don’t bore to death the lovely hostess